The following is an excerpt from my upcoming Book, called: My First, My Last, My Everything, My God. I pray that if you are reading this and are in any type of despair in your life that you recognize with God in your heart, you can overcome adversity. You can aspire to become all you have ever dreamed of and the hurt and pain you feel will turn into lessons learned to encourage and help someone else in your future. We shall rise above the noise, thrive and flourish because of the Grace of God.
All things happen for a reason. You are here reading this for a reason. Perhaps that reason is to help or inspire yourself or someone else. I definitely believe there are no coincidences. We are all ongoing students of life, learning more and more as we grow, experience and love. I am humbled and grateful that you are interested in reading on about my story. I hope that it touches you in a way to understand your OWN significance. I want you to know YOU matter. You matter to God, You matter to your children, and YOU matter to me. “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens…”(Ecclesiastics 3:1)
Adversity comes and goes. Accolades come and go. What remains constant is God. Even when we turn away and run away from ourselves, God is there. He is a whisper, a thought, a prayer away. Many times when I share my story with others, they are shocked. I am not shocked. Yet, I understand that others may be as perhaps they have lived a very non-controversial life thus far. That is wonderful. Noone likes to experience pain, nor adversity. I am an eternal optimist and I can take the ugliest of situations and find some sort of learning experience and take away from any given situation. My hope, my faith, my desire to be happy allows me to do this. God allows me to do this. What drives me? You. Me. My kids. My loved ones. Jesus. People and love drive me.
So as I summarize events in this excerpted synopsis, know that it is very important to me that I not only share the impact that domestimc violence has had in my family’s life; but to also to communicate to you how to rise above the ‘noise’ and stay above it. In my life, I have always resorted to my key source and wealth of information as well as inspiration – God. The answer that I have found is authenticity. In order to reach authenticity within ourselves, we first must understand why we have made certain choices in our lives so that we can have that ‘a-ha’ moment of recognition of reasoning.
Prayer, facing truths and passion led me through the journey of understanding my authentic self. On this path, we discover. Once something is recognized, a pattern can change for the long haul. If a pattern is changed, we become empowered with that wisdom. How I came to recognize ‘why’ I had made certain choices in my life allowed me to then make a conscious effort to make better decisions to come to be true to who I really am inside.
I have discovered that in order to be ‘authentic’, we must face things about ourselves and things that happened to us that we may not like. In absolutely NO way do these things neither validate NOR justify any kind of abuse. They are simply traits, habits or learned behavior that impact choices that we make. I am human and I am willing to share these with you as in some way I hope it helps you to understand that it is ok not to be perfect, it’s ok not to be the perception of ‘you’ that you’ve created and everyone thinks you are. It is OKAY and absolutely beautiful for you to just be you. What a relief! “But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.” (James 3:17)
I left my 2nd husband almost three years ago. I left him emotionally five years ago. He is a long haul truck driver and was on the road 80% of the time. Our marriage started out good, but it was only a matter of months before I saw the red flags. You know that inner voice that we reason with and make excuses for, when in fact we should be listening? Yes, those red flags. He was a charmer. At the time we had started dating, I was skeptical of getting serious, as I had broken up with a boyfriend who had become abusive a year before. After that particular boyfriend of whom I dated for one year, I reaffirmed my faith. I had been Catholic from the age of sixteen through my mid-thirties. I was baptized in the Christian faith in 2002. It is a key point, as you will note a recommitted ‘baby’ Christian devoted to God and His teachings, the enemy was on the prowl. I knew enough to try to discern if this new ‘man’ coming into my life was of Him or a temptation. Unfortunately, I was too weak in my flesh and faith to truly discern accurately; and my vision and heart easily were taken over. It was only a matter of a few months of persistent charming that it took to win me over. My weakness was sex. Not that I was a ‘hoochie’ by any means. Far from that. Of course, it depends on your definition of the term ‘hoochie’! The number of men I’ve been with is minimal. How easily I gave it up was too much too soon. I later have come to recognize, just as many girls do, I confused sex for love. Lack of a male ‘hero’ in life, abusive biological father and a totally dysfunctional family played a key role in my self-image and looking for love in all the wrong places mentality.
Six months later, I married him. Yes, I just ‘went for it’ because I was certain I was in love with him and he was romantic, funny, smart, good with kids, handsome and a great lover. All the things I thought I wanted. I admit, I was scared that I was making a mistake (red flag!). He proposed to me in the most unromantic way, but hey – it was his way. (red flag!) He never bought me a ring (I’m so NOT materialistic but he didn’t even try!) I believed his promises of when things got better financially (Red Flag!). Two months after our marriage, his mother passed away unexpectedly. She was young, in her 50s. It was a very difficult time as he struggled with her loss. He had unresolved emotional issues of not being ‘good enough’ for his mom. When she passed, I believe he felt he’d never get to make her proud. She left him her house; and rather than sell it, he was adamant we move into it. Seems simple enough right? Wrong. We lived in AZ, her house was in CA. After much contemplation, emotional distress and arguing, I agreed to move to CA – away from my friends and family (Red Flag). Prior to our move, I had found out I was pregnant. He didn’t want another child. We fought about it and in the end he forced me to get an abortion (Big Red Flag). I hated myself that day and for many more after. To this date I get sick inside thinking of the details of that day and wishing I could go back and scream ‘Stop’.
One month after our move to CA, right before Christmas 2003, was the first time he physically beat me up pretty bad. It was to a point that I know I had a broken rib and an obvious black eye. The fight was over church. That’s right, church. We could not agree on what ‘church’ to attend so he demanded it be the one he wanted to go to which was in an unsafe area of Oakland, CA. He was not going to be there 80% of the time, and I was not okay with it. His solution? Beat me into it. The first blow was unexpected and unforgettable. He punched me point blank in the head – temporal area. A blow I could have died from. Instead it knocked me to the ground and I was dazed and confused. I remember crawling towards the only direction I could as his body towered over me, yelling in his deep, demeaning , angry voice. The words are a blur but consisted of many slang, derragatory terms. I crawled into our bedroom and tried to close the door, he blocked me from it. He proceeded to kick me over and over and over as I lay in the fetal position on the floor unable to do anything but take the blows and try to reason with him. You know the kind of reasoning I’m talking about…taking all the blame, apologizing, saying whatever you have to just to make him stop. When his rage was over (fifteen minutes later -it seemed like a lifetime when you are defenseless against someone three times your size), he calmly proceeded to watch TV on the sofa in the living room as I lay beaten and broken in a fetal position on our bedroom floor.
My head was reeling, my heart was broken. Yet, knowing I had to pick my then eight year old daughter up from school in twenty minutes, I had to get myself together. With no friends around and only his family in the state (none close enough to pick her up from school), I had no option but to do it. Fearful of even moving, I managed to gain the strength to get up. The fear of my daughter being alone in a strange neighborhood outweighed any pain I endured. I wasn’t even sure I’d get past him to get out of the house, but I certainly was going to try. I would die, just as I’m sure you would, to protect my child. I couldn’t breathe, and was gasping for breath as my brain wrapped around what just happened. I looked in the mirror and was shocked that the temporal blow caused a total black eye. How would I hide that? What would I say? I could not go anywhere. But I did. Cosmetics. Silence. Excuses. Sound familiar? Who are we really fooling anyway? The people that know us – know. They are simply helpless. As we deny, turn away and refuse to admit we are being ABUSED. This was one incident. The relevance of this incident is that it was the first major physical abuse that occurred. Prior, there was emotional abuse (Red Flag), verbal abuse (Red Flag), financial abuse(Red Flag) and manipulation with physical manipulation (twisting of fingers and hands; threat of sex or no sex or cheating). We can make some darn good excuses for all that right? He didn’t mean it. He made up for it. He loves me. He was abused as a child. He needs me. He was just hurt. Then it turns into I should of done it this way. I should not have done that. I should have known better. I could have avoided this if I had only done xyz. I need to be better. It’s my fault. The overall thinking? I can fix it. I can fix him. He just needs to be loved more. Really? Who am I? Am I God? No. I’m not. I have learned that people cannot be ‘fixed’ that do not even know or recognize they are ‘broken’. And if they do recognize it, they have to WANT to be ‘fixed’. And who has the power to ‘fix’ them? GOD. Not you, not I. God. If praying were enough, it would have come to be!
Most definitely, praying is important. Extremely important. Listening is just as important. So many times God is speaking to us but we just are not paying attention. We can not expect to hear His voice tell us directly. We must listen to our inner voice, the signs, the intuition that we so often disregard. Let's consider those things whispers from Him. God gives us an out, we have to take the exit sign. We have to listen. “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, ...”(Ephesians 6:10-18)
Once I realized I had not been listening to God, but had been allowing the control by another human consume me, I began to not just read the Word, but apply it; not just pray for solutions, but take action; not just expect a miracle, but became one. When did this begin? My breaking point of recognizing I could NOT do ‘this’ anymore? It was in October 2006. We both had decent jobs. We made over $200K /year combined income. Not bad for a married couple in CA. We bought the new house and new car. All the ‘stuff’ that didn’t matter, but what others defined as success. We lived in a 4000 square foot home in Central CA and put on the act that all was just fine. Smiled and talked the talk that married couples do. Yet, behind the scenes, we were in way over our heads in debt and problems. It didn’t matter to him. He wanted more and more, and I could not argue as it would’ve caused more problems aka abuse. So I agreed and kept buying ‘stuff’ that meant nothing. One year I had a $10,000 bonus and instead of putting it away for college for the kids (my plan), he wanted a new Ford Engine for his project ‘Mustang’ that he never found time to work on and was just sitting in the garage. I argued about the purchase. I lost. The ongoing obvious differences in our thinking and values became more and more evident as time moved on. The final breaking point was the LAST beating.
I was seven months pregnant with our son. It was a high risk pregnancy as I was 40 and overweight. Weight gain during our marriage was inevitable and another reason he found to abuse me. During one of his ‘home’ times, he had been on the computer looking at porn. I confronted him about it as I was tired of all of the ‘stuff’ and I was emotional with the pregnancy. I approached it cleverly, or so I thought. I did not accuse him. I was factual and said to him simply to please not use the family computer to look at porn as it would then pop up when the kids were on it. He acted oblivious. I then went on to say if he was interested in porn, why did he just not ask me to watch it with him. I had never denied him anything sexually. That was his trigger point. He went ballistic on me and came charging at me. I was sitting on our bed and I ducked. He missed hitting me but grabbed me by the neck and pinned me up against the headboard of our bed. He was yelling in my ear in an evil demonic voice how he could not stand me and my ‘insecurities’. He released for a minute and I could breath. I saw him pull his hand back, I had to choose to cover my head or my stomach (to protect the baby). I chose my stomach. His fist turned into an open hand and he slapped me as hard as he could across the face and once again took both his hands and strangled me up against the headboard. That night, I saw my life flash before me as I went into unconsciousness. I saw my childhood and myself as a child at different stages of life, people that were in my life, scenes and memories being downloaded from my brain as I slipped into …death. I don’t know at what point he let go but I was gone. I did see the light, but not long enough to run into it as my will to survive and be all that I can be was much stronger than to allow ‘some man’ to suck the life out of me. I came around gasping and choking. "Does it please you to oppress me, to spurn the work of your hands, while you smile on the plans of the wicked?” (Job 10:3)
I don't think there could have been a more clearer message of an exit sign shown to me. Jesus gave me my out and showed me what would happen if I didn’t take it. I had too much to accomplish still on earth to let this be it. Number one being to raise my daughter up to be the beautiful young woman she is becoming. Number two being to raise my son to be all that a man should be. The decision was made that night that I was done. I prayed for God to show me how and tell me when to leave. I wish I could tell you it was that night. It was not. It was not that simple. If you have been in an abusive relationship, you understand that nothing can be simple and even day to day tasks require extra care. It requires thinking about each word you say, each action you take and the end result of what you do or don't do. Now that God have given me the big 'EXIT' sign, leaving would require a plan. Looking at the positive side that he was a truck driver, I was blessed to be able to have time to strategize the safest time to leave. I was blessed in doing so because as many of us face, there was FEAR in leaving. I was blessed because he was on the road 80% of the time. I only had to worry 20% of the time during his physical presence of how to cope. Emotionally, my heart moved on and my brain took over. After our son was born, it eased and calmed the physical abuse for close to a year. He now appeared to be ecstatic at being a dad (again), even though truly he was never really around. Narcissism shined through even during what is supposed to be the strongest of bonds: in my son’s presence after one hour max, he had to stop focusing on my son and refocus on himself. It was only a matter of time before the emotional and financial abuse began again. "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God." (James 1:19-20)
For those of you that have never been in an abusive relationship (emotional or physical), go ahead ask. People do. Some just think it, but never have the courage to ask. You should ask that inevitable question, ‘Why didn’t you just LEAVE?" It’s important to ask as that is how we learn and educate. If you know someone that might be in abusive relationship, don't ask them then, simply ask them if they are okay. Asking why didn't you just leave is okay if the timing is right when you ask—like after the healing stage begins. For those that might be reading this that don’t know, let me enlighten you with the answer - FEAR! Fear of failure. Fear of breaking up the stability of a family unit (even as dysfunctional as it is, it is familiar), Fear of him hunting us down and killing us all if we left. Fear that he would kill himself. Fear of not having the financial means to care for 2 children and an elderly parent. The question really should be what is there NOT to fear? I looked up to Him for that answer: “Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6).
As I faced these fears, and during this time of strategically figuring out how to leave; I began to reflect on me. Who am I? Did I know? Simple things like, what kind of food do I like best? My favorite flavor ice cream? My favorite restaurant? If I could go buy something for myself, what would I want? What do I really want out of life other than taking care of others? Where did I want to go on vacation? That led to why. Why did I accept LESS than what I deserved in a man? Why did I tend to choose men that abuse? (I had 1 abusive boyfriend before this marriage). My first marriage was not abusive. I want to clarify this in case any family members read this. My first marriage lasted twelve years. It ended because we were too young when we married and we had different ideas about what we wanted in marriage. It ended because our relationship did not have God as the center. Simple as that.
As I pondered the answers to these questions about myself, I started searching for answers. I prayed for Jesus to reveal to me what I needed to understand about myself in order to have the courage to move on. I released it to Him. “She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her.” (Proverbs 3:15) “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” (Jeremiah 29:11)
It is truly amazing how He hears us. How he knows just what we need and when we need it. How He answers prayers. What came next, I never would have thought of, dreamed of or sought out on my own. Yet, He knew. He knew what healing needed to be done to give me courage. Jesus sent an angel from my past my way to help me figure it out so that I could begin my path of healing. So often we have the thinking to move on from the past, we don't look back and focus on the future. I understand this to a certain degree but the reality is we cannot move on from the past until we have understood, accepted and reconciled it. If we just ‘bury’ it; it WILL come back to haunt us. Unresolved pain and unresolved issues come back at some point in time. It is the cycle of life. Once it is reconciled, moving on is the next phase of healing and recovery. This angel of my past did in fact allow me to understand the derivative of my choices.
It wasn’t until I was able to recognize a pain point of the past, hence a very big ‘why’ that I could understand and make a change in my thinking. Not everyone will recognize their pain point(s) in the same way. That’s okay. If an angel isn’t sent down from heaven or some miracle doesn’t happen before our eyes…answers are there if our ears and our heart are open and listening. The key is, look at your life, your choices and find the source of the pain, where it began and what you did in reaction to it. Only then, will it become clear of how to change the cycle, move on and begin to heal. "“…but we, also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:3-5)
Little did I know, healing and courage would begin with a simple phone call. I received an unexpected phone call in the spring of 2008. It was a familiar voice from long, long ago. A voice I’d recognize anywhere. A voice that got me nervous but excited, happy yet sad. I was not quite sure how to feel when I heard his voice but one thing is for certain: that wall and guard was higher than my head. I was so skeptical and uncertain of the motive of this call. It was my ‘first love’ from when I was fifteen years old. My mind was racing as I tried to figure out why in the world he would be calling me after all these years.
Of course, we never 'forget' our first love. I had thought of him many times over the years, even ran into him a few times early on. Yet, since I had never heard from him, I had long ago buried thoughts of him in a vault and threw away the key. Until, this phone call. It was a simple conversation. You know the fake kind where we both pretend our lives are just ‘grand’ and ‘perfect’ and look how far we’ve both come since ‘small town’ AZ. We reviewed how we both were successful in our careers, and make decent money and have lots of stuff. That was the conversation. I knew better. I knew his reason for calling was beyond describing how far we’d both come in life. I knew him…since before we had started dating.
Being the direct person that I am, I asked him why was he really calling. After all these years, calling me to tell me how big a house he had, the fact he drives a Lexus and some SUV and how wonderful his kids are was not him. He would never have resorted to defining success as material things. Yet he had. He cleared his throat and told me I sounded exactly the same as he remembered with still the same tenacity. “Yes, some things are embedded with us for life, “ I replied. He proceeded to tell me I was correct, he did call me to apologize as over the years I had often come to his mind and he felt ‘bad’ about how we broke up. He had learned to never leave a man behind and he said whenever he’d hear it, he’d think of the fact he ‘abandoned’ me after all I had done for him. For all you romantics reading…NO I did not melt and ride away on some horse! (*smile* - I can't say I didn't think it!) Let’s keep it in perspective. I was in an abusive marriage and all parts of my inner most being had been violated. There was no way I would trust anyone completely; not even my first love. I fronted and told him not to worry it was a long time ago and we were both young, and he was a typical boy chasing after some tail and I had long since forgotten about it. (So far from the truth). He sensed my distance, and we small talked about our families and said goodbye.
I hung up the phone and my mind was spinning. I prayed for clarity. Let’s face it. If you have endured abuse, you have learned fairy tales don’t exist; at least not the kind that make life easy. So YES, deep down inside, I was hoping he was calling to profess his devoted love for me and to confess he never should have broken my heart and was ready to come riding up on his white horse to save me. Did that happen? NO! My plans vs. God’s plans – two different plans. J We had some very key heart moments, talks and reality as walls slowly came down and truths were shared. I let Jesus take the wheel and drive. “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, Trust in me." (John 14:1)
A few conversations later, the heart of the matter is that he is in the military and has made it a career. He was going to be deployed that year to Iraq. Needless to say, he had some of his own reconciling to do. I was on his list. Although I had put him in my past, little did I know how much that past impacted my present. We had a history. A history that at the time, neither of us realized was forming the adults we would become; and that had a huge impact on the choices we would make. Yet in order to even understand the value of this reunion, we need to go back a bit further.
When he and I were just teenagers, we both had responsibilities way too young. We both had dysfunctional family matters. At the time, his were more prevalent as most of the dysfunction I had been exposed to in my family life had occurred from birth until ten years old. At the age of ten, my step dad moved my mom and me up and out and away from ‘family dysfunction’ from upstate NY to AZ. However, by the wee age of ten, I had learned to cope with seeing or hearing family members being sexually abused, beaten, using or selling drugs, family cult membership, animal sacrifices and child neglect.
My biological dad sexually assaulted and abused both my sisters. Thank God he died when I was five years old (of heart failure ), or I would’ve been next. That may sound selfish but these are real thoughts I’m sharing. There have been plenty of times in my life I had WISHED I was his victim instead of them because they both have suffered anguish and mental issues as a result. In coping and helping them with these issues, I tended to think if it had happened to me, I have the mental strength to overcome it and they don't. Again, who am I to ‘fix’ it? I am not God. My warrior mentality might have made me a good Marine, but without having God lead, it surely would only get me killed.
I have 4 brothers, one of which I used to consider ‘violent’. He is the oldest and the one who was exposed to most of my biological father’s tactics. He killed a man once and got off on self-defense. I feared him. I do not anymore. I have 2 brothers that became mentally debilitated when their marriages fell apart. One is a missing person and no one has heard from him in over ten years. The other is homeless but refuses to admit he has an issue and needs help. He won’t seek help. This leaves one brother of whom inspired me.
I have one sister whom was afflicted with schizophrenia after being sexually abused by our father, beaten by her boyfriend at eighteen, taken into a cult, forced to use drugs and impregnated while in-patient at a state mental facility. Her child was put up for adoption by the state. Praise the Lord, that sister currently lives and functions independently. She is monitored very closely via social workers and case managers. I tried for many years to ‘help’ and ‘be’ there for her but she has never wanted me to. It is an area that I must continue to pray about. I have another sister of whom I was very close to when I was young and of whom helped raise me.
The brother that inspired me and the sister that helped raise me are still the ones I keep close at heart. They were the two that looked over me the best they could. My brother was my light in darkness during times we were left alone for nights on end to fend for, and take care of ourselves. My sister gave me a sense of self-esteem as she always took me with her to her work and friends' homes, bragging about how smart and pretty I was. My mother was in and out of mental institutions up until my step-dad ‘saved’ her and took her far away from the dysfunction. We had many good neighbors and friends over the years that helped us even if they did not know all the circumstances occurring behind closed doors.
I knew Jesus at the age of seven. Not because of church. I had been to church a few times; different ones with different people. I knew Him because Jesus makes Himself known to children. Believe this! Those that were abused or neglected as children, the only hope is in Him. He is the light. It is a spiritual connection formed via instinct or maybe even a connection made that I don’t remember. I simply knew instinctively at that age, life was better than what I saw. Jesus had a plan for my life and I just knew it. It was not going to be like any of the things I was exposed to. I knew at that age my family life was not ‘normal’. I used to walk around the streets at night looking at houses, wondering what it was like behind ‘those doors’, wishing I could walk in. I made a decision at the ripe young age of eight to never allow any of the detrimental things in life ever to come into my life and destroy me like it had all those around me.
I kept my promise. Yes, I was a ‘goody two shoes’ in high school. I didn’t care what people thought. I was focused. I did not go to parties. I did not drink. To this day, I have never even tried one hit on a joint. Not once. I was in the top 5% of my graduating class. I was presented with a free ride scholarship, was in all academic clubs and President of Future Business Leaders of America. I managed to be a wrestlerette, a ‘cheerleader' for the wrestling team. I did it for the cause not for the outfit or the boys. Although there were a few cute wrestlers I had my eye on (smile). The cause being, why did our wrestlers not have the same support as our football players? That was my then teenage cause. I credit my math teacher who was also the wrestling coach and the girls P.E. teacher for supporting me in my ‘cause’. Woo hoo…it seemed I was on my way. I was going to be GREAT! Brakes! What about my first love?
I was in eighth grade when I met and befriended my first love. At that time, I was reading the Bible on my own and had a faith grounded in me that kept me true to whom I was and where I was going. I saw him from afar and knew there was something special about him. I felt God pointed me in his direction as we didn’t share any classes and yet he stood apart from the rest of the boys. I saw something in his eyes, his boyish huge smile and knew he had that special something in him that I had in me. We shared the will to fight and to survive and the passion and desire to become something great.
We began talking and dating freshman year. He asked me to the Christmas formal, a night still very clear in both our memories. He was boyishly shy but so handsome. I definitely kissed him first. He held my hand, walked and talked with me. We continued 'going together' (aka dating). He did not disclose his private pain for a long while but eventually he trusted me enough to share with me, some of his own dysfunction happening in his home. Things I won’t disclose here out of respect for him, but pains no child should go through. My heart hurt. I had already learned how to cope with dysfunction and to look beyond the present to the future in knowing God had a better plan. I began coaching him, encouraging him, inspiring him.
Our souls were connected. Never did I tell him why I had that inner strength. I would, when the time was right. I saw in him what he did not see in himself. He was full of self-doubt, negative self-talk and low self-worth. As just one example, he didn’t think he was good enough for baseball. I told him he was better than any of those boys that bragged and boasted. I affirmed for him that he could do anything he set his mind to! Most importantly, I told him that I believed in him. I told him he had to try out. I’ll never forget the day he came flying to my house on his bike (we were too young to drive and too poor to have a car). He was ecstatic and jumping up for joy with me to celebrate the fact that he made the cut – he was on the team! He was in such shock and disbelief and I will never ever forget the joy on his face and how quickly his heart ‘believed’. He credited me for it and said he would’ve never had the courage had I not inspired him to do it. I deferred that credit to God, and reminded him with God, all things are possible. “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:26)
Adversity comes and goes. Accolades come and go. What remains constant is God. Even when we turn away and run away from ourselves, God is there. He is a whisper, a thought, a prayer away. Many times when I share my story with others, they are shocked. I am not shocked. Yet, I understand that others may be as perhaps they have lived a very non-controversial life thus far. That is wonderful. Noone likes to experience pain, nor adversity. I am an eternal optimist and I can take the ugliest of situations and find some sort of learning experience and take away from any given situation. My hope, my faith, my desire to be happy allows me to do this. God allows me to do this. What drives me? You. Me. My kids. My loved ones. Jesus. People and love drive me.
So as I summarize events in this excerpted synopsis, know that it is very important to me that I not only share the impact that domestimc violence has had in my family’s life; but to also to communicate to you how to rise above the ‘noise’ and stay above it. In my life, I have always resorted to my key source and wealth of information as well as inspiration – God. The answer that I have found is authenticity. In order to reach authenticity within ourselves, we first must understand why we have made certain choices in our lives so that we can have that ‘a-ha’ moment of recognition of reasoning.
Prayer, facing truths and passion led me through the journey of understanding my authentic self. On this path, we discover. Once something is recognized, a pattern can change for the long haul. If a pattern is changed, we become empowered with that wisdom. How I came to recognize ‘why’ I had made certain choices in my life allowed me to then make a conscious effort to make better decisions to come to be true to who I really am inside.
I have discovered that in order to be ‘authentic’, we must face things about ourselves and things that happened to us that we may not like. In absolutely NO way do these things neither validate NOR justify any kind of abuse. They are simply traits, habits or learned behavior that impact choices that we make. I am human and I am willing to share these with you as in some way I hope it helps you to understand that it is ok not to be perfect, it’s ok not to be the perception of ‘you’ that you’ve created and everyone thinks you are. It is OKAY and absolutely beautiful for you to just be you. What a relief! “But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.” (James 3:17)
I left my 2nd husband almost three years ago. I left him emotionally five years ago. He is a long haul truck driver and was on the road 80% of the time. Our marriage started out good, but it was only a matter of months before I saw the red flags. You know that inner voice that we reason with and make excuses for, when in fact we should be listening? Yes, those red flags. He was a charmer. At the time we had started dating, I was skeptical of getting serious, as I had broken up with a boyfriend who had become abusive a year before. After that particular boyfriend of whom I dated for one year, I reaffirmed my faith. I had been Catholic from the age of sixteen through my mid-thirties. I was baptized in the Christian faith in 2002. It is a key point, as you will note a recommitted ‘baby’ Christian devoted to God and His teachings, the enemy was on the prowl. I knew enough to try to discern if this new ‘man’ coming into my life was of Him or a temptation. Unfortunately, I was too weak in my flesh and faith to truly discern accurately; and my vision and heart easily were taken over. It was only a matter of a few months of persistent charming that it took to win me over. My weakness was sex. Not that I was a ‘hoochie’ by any means. Far from that. Of course, it depends on your definition of the term ‘hoochie’! The number of men I’ve been with is minimal. How easily I gave it up was too much too soon. I later have come to recognize, just as many girls do, I confused sex for love. Lack of a male ‘hero’ in life, abusive biological father and a totally dysfunctional family played a key role in my self-image and looking for love in all the wrong places mentality.
Six months later, I married him. Yes, I just ‘went for it’ because I was certain I was in love with him and he was romantic, funny, smart, good with kids, handsome and a great lover. All the things I thought I wanted. I admit, I was scared that I was making a mistake (red flag!). He proposed to me in the most unromantic way, but hey – it was his way. (red flag!) He never bought me a ring (I’m so NOT materialistic but he didn’t even try!) I believed his promises of when things got better financially (Red Flag!). Two months after our marriage, his mother passed away unexpectedly. She was young, in her 50s. It was a very difficult time as he struggled with her loss. He had unresolved emotional issues of not being ‘good enough’ for his mom. When she passed, I believe he felt he’d never get to make her proud. She left him her house; and rather than sell it, he was adamant we move into it. Seems simple enough right? Wrong. We lived in AZ, her house was in CA. After much contemplation, emotional distress and arguing, I agreed to move to CA – away from my friends and family (Red Flag). Prior to our move, I had found out I was pregnant. He didn’t want another child. We fought about it and in the end he forced me to get an abortion (Big Red Flag). I hated myself that day and for many more after. To this date I get sick inside thinking of the details of that day and wishing I could go back and scream ‘Stop’.
One month after our move to CA, right before Christmas 2003, was the first time he physically beat me up pretty bad. It was to a point that I know I had a broken rib and an obvious black eye. The fight was over church. That’s right, church. We could not agree on what ‘church’ to attend so he demanded it be the one he wanted to go to which was in an unsafe area of Oakland, CA. He was not going to be there 80% of the time, and I was not okay with it. His solution? Beat me into it. The first blow was unexpected and unforgettable. He punched me point blank in the head – temporal area. A blow I could have died from. Instead it knocked me to the ground and I was dazed and confused. I remember crawling towards the only direction I could as his body towered over me, yelling in his deep, demeaning , angry voice. The words are a blur but consisted of many slang, derragatory terms. I crawled into our bedroom and tried to close the door, he blocked me from it. He proceeded to kick me over and over and over as I lay in the fetal position on the floor unable to do anything but take the blows and try to reason with him. You know the kind of reasoning I’m talking about…taking all the blame, apologizing, saying whatever you have to just to make him stop. When his rage was over (fifteen minutes later -it seemed like a lifetime when you are defenseless against someone three times your size), he calmly proceeded to watch TV on the sofa in the living room as I lay beaten and broken in a fetal position on our bedroom floor.
My head was reeling, my heart was broken. Yet, knowing I had to pick my then eight year old daughter up from school in twenty minutes, I had to get myself together. With no friends around and only his family in the state (none close enough to pick her up from school), I had no option but to do it. Fearful of even moving, I managed to gain the strength to get up. The fear of my daughter being alone in a strange neighborhood outweighed any pain I endured. I wasn’t even sure I’d get past him to get out of the house, but I certainly was going to try. I would die, just as I’m sure you would, to protect my child. I couldn’t breathe, and was gasping for breath as my brain wrapped around what just happened. I looked in the mirror and was shocked that the temporal blow caused a total black eye. How would I hide that? What would I say? I could not go anywhere. But I did. Cosmetics. Silence. Excuses. Sound familiar? Who are we really fooling anyway? The people that know us – know. They are simply helpless. As we deny, turn away and refuse to admit we are being ABUSED. This was one incident. The relevance of this incident is that it was the first major physical abuse that occurred. Prior, there was emotional abuse (Red Flag), verbal abuse (Red Flag), financial abuse(Red Flag) and manipulation with physical manipulation (twisting of fingers and hands; threat of sex or no sex or cheating). We can make some darn good excuses for all that right? He didn’t mean it. He made up for it. He loves me. He was abused as a child. He needs me. He was just hurt. Then it turns into I should of done it this way. I should not have done that. I should have known better. I could have avoided this if I had only done xyz. I need to be better. It’s my fault. The overall thinking? I can fix it. I can fix him. He just needs to be loved more. Really? Who am I? Am I God? No. I’m not. I have learned that people cannot be ‘fixed’ that do not even know or recognize they are ‘broken’. And if they do recognize it, they have to WANT to be ‘fixed’. And who has the power to ‘fix’ them? GOD. Not you, not I. God. If praying were enough, it would have come to be!
Most definitely, praying is important. Extremely important. Listening is just as important. So many times God is speaking to us but we just are not paying attention. We can not expect to hear His voice tell us directly. We must listen to our inner voice, the signs, the intuition that we so often disregard. Let's consider those things whispers from Him. God gives us an out, we have to take the exit sign. We have to listen. “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, ...”(Ephesians 6:10-18)
Once I realized I had not been listening to God, but had been allowing the control by another human consume me, I began to not just read the Word, but apply it; not just pray for solutions, but take action; not just expect a miracle, but became one. When did this begin? My breaking point of recognizing I could NOT do ‘this’ anymore? It was in October 2006. We both had decent jobs. We made over $200K /year combined income. Not bad for a married couple in CA. We bought the new house and new car. All the ‘stuff’ that didn’t matter, but what others defined as success. We lived in a 4000 square foot home in Central CA and put on the act that all was just fine. Smiled and talked the talk that married couples do. Yet, behind the scenes, we were in way over our heads in debt and problems. It didn’t matter to him. He wanted more and more, and I could not argue as it would’ve caused more problems aka abuse. So I agreed and kept buying ‘stuff’ that meant nothing. One year I had a $10,000 bonus and instead of putting it away for college for the kids (my plan), he wanted a new Ford Engine for his project ‘Mustang’ that he never found time to work on and was just sitting in the garage. I argued about the purchase. I lost. The ongoing obvious differences in our thinking and values became more and more evident as time moved on. The final breaking point was the LAST beating.
I was seven months pregnant with our son. It was a high risk pregnancy as I was 40 and overweight. Weight gain during our marriage was inevitable and another reason he found to abuse me. During one of his ‘home’ times, he had been on the computer looking at porn. I confronted him about it as I was tired of all of the ‘stuff’ and I was emotional with the pregnancy. I approached it cleverly, or so I thought. I did not accuse him. I was factual and said to him simply to please not use the family computer to look at porn as it would then pop up when the kids were on it. He acted oblivious. I then went on to say if he was interested in porn, why did he just not ask me to watch it with him. I had never denied him anything sexually. That was his trigger point. He went ballistic on me and came charging at me. I was sitting on our bed and I ducked. He missed hitting me but grabbed me by the neck and pinned me up against the headboard of our bed. He was yelling in my ear in an evil demonic voice how he could not stand me and my ‘insecurities’. He released for a minute and I could breath. I saw him pull his hand back, I had to choose to cover my head or my stomach (to protect the baby). I chose my stomach. His fist turned into an open hand and he slapped me as hard as he could across the face and once again took both his hands and strangled me up against the headboard. That night, I saw my life flash before me as I went into unconsciousness. I saw my childhood and myself as a child at different stages of life, people that were in my life, scenes and memories being downloaded from my brain as I slipped into …death. I don’t know at what point he let go but I was gone. I did see the light, but not long enough to run into it as my will to survive and be all that I can be was much stronger than to allow ‘some man’ to suck the life out of me. I came around gasping and choking. "Does it please you to oppress me, to spurn the work of your hands, while you smile on the plans of the wicked?” (Job 10:3)
I don't think there could have been a more clearer message of an exit sign shown to me. Jesus gave me my out and showed me what would happen if I didn’t take it. I had too much to accomplish still on earth to let this be it. Number one being to raise my daughter up to be the beautiful young woman she is becoming. Number two being to raise my son to be all that a man should be. The decision was made that night that I was done. I prayed for God to show me how and tell me when to leave. I wish I could tell you it was that night. It was not. It was not that simple. If you have been in an abusive relationship, you understand that nothing can be simple and even day to day tasks require extra care. It requires thinking about each word you say, each action you take and the end result of what you do or don't do. Now that God have given me the big 'EXIT' sign, leaving would require a plan. Looking at the positive side that he was a truck driver, I was blessed to be able to have time to strategize the safest time to leave. I was blessed in doing so because as many of us face, there was FEAR in leaving. I was blessed because he was on the road 80% of the time. I only had to worry 20% of the time during his physical presence of how to cope. Emotionally, my heart moved on and my brain took over. After our son was born, it eased and calmed the physical abuse for close to a year. He now appeared to be ecstatic at being a dad (again), even though truly he was never really around. Narcissism shined through even during what is supposed to be the strongest of bonds: in my son’s presence after one hour max, he had to stop focusing on my son and refocus on himself. It was only a matter of time before the emotional and financial abuse began again. "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God." (James 1:19-20)
For those of you that have never been in an abusive relationship (emotional or physical), go ahead ask. People do. Some just think it, but never have the courage to ask. You should ask that inevitable question, ‘Why didn’t you just LEAVE?" It’s important to ask as that is how we learn and educate. If you know someone that might be in abusive relationship, don't ask them then, simply ask them if they are okay. Asking why didn't you just leave is okay if the timing is right when you ask—like after the healing stage begins. For those that might be reading this that don’t know, let me enlighten you with the answer - FEAR! Fear of failure. Fear of breaking up the stability of a family unit (even as dysfunctional as it is, it is familiar), Fear of him hunting us down and killing us all if we left. Fear that he would kill himself. Fear of not having the financial means to care for 2 children and an elderly parent. The question really should be what is there NOT to fear? I looked up to Him for that answer: “Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6).
As I faced these fears, and during this time of strategically figuring out how to leave; I began to reflect on me. Who am I? Did I know? Simple things like, what kind of food do I like best? My favorite flavor ice cream? My favorite restaurant? If I could go buy something for myself, what would I want? What do I really want out of life other than taking care of others? Where did I want to go on vacation? That led to why. Why did I accept LESS than what I deserved in a man? Why did I tend to choose men that abuse? (I had 1 abusive boyfriend before this marriage). My first marriage was not abusive. I want to clarify this in case any family members read this. My first marriage lasted twelve years. It ended because we were too young when we married and we had different ideas about what we wanted in marriage. It ended because our relationship did not have God as the center. Simple as that.
As I pondered the answers to these questions about myself, I started searching for answers. I prayed for Jesus to reveal to me what I needed to understand about myself in order to have the courage to move on. I released it to Him. “She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her.” (Proverbs 3:15) “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” (Jeremiah 29:11)
It is truly amazing how He hears us. How he knows just what we need and when we need it. How He answers prayers. What came next, I never would have thought of, dreamed of or sought out on my own. Yet, He knew. He knew what healing needed to be done to give me courage. Jesus sent an angel from my past my way to help me figure it out so that I could begin my path of healing. So often we have the thinking to move on from the past, we don't look back and focus on the future. I understand this to a certain degree but the reality is we cannot move on from the past until we have understood, accepted and reconciled it. If we just ‘bury’ it; it WILL come back to haunt us. Unresolved pain and unresolved issues come back at some point in time. It is the cycle of life. Once it is reconciled, moving on is the next phase of healing and recovery. This angel of my past did in fact allow me to understand the derivative of my choices.
It wasn’t until I was able to recognize a pain point of the past, hence a very big ‘why’ that I could understand and make a change in my thinking. Not everyone will recognize their pain point(s) in the same way. That’s okay. If an angel isn’t sent down from heaven or some miracle doesn’t happen before our eyes…answers are there if our ears and our heart are open and listening. The key is, look at your life, your choices and find the source of the pain, where it began and what you did in reaction to it. Only then, will it become clear of how to change the cycle, move on and begin to heal. "“…but we, also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:3-5)
Little did I know, healing and courage would begin with a simple phone call. I received an unexpected phone call in the spring of 2008. It was a familiar voice from long, long ago. A voice I’d recognize anywhere. A voice that got me nervous but excited, happy yet sad. I was not quite sure how to feel when I heard his voice but one thing is for certain: that wall and guard was higher than my head. I was so skeptical and uncertain of the motive of this call. It was my ‘first love’ from when I was fifteen years old. My mind was racing as I tried to figure out why in the world he would be calling me after all these years.
Of course, we never 'forget' our first love. I had thought of him many times over the years, even ran into him a few times early on. Yet, since I had never heard from him, I had long ago buried thoughts of him in a vault and threw away the key. Until, this phone call. It was a simple conversation. You know the fake kind where we both pretend our lives are just ‘grand’ and ‘perfect’ and look how far we’ve both come since ‘small town’ AZ. We reviewed how we both were successful in our careers, and make decent money and have lots of stuff. That was the conversation. I knew better. I knew his reason for calling was beyond describing how far we’d both come in life. I knew him…since before we had started dating.
Being the direct person that I am, I asked him why was he really calling. After all these years, calling me to tell me how big a house he had, the fact he drives a Lexus and some SUV and how wonderful his kids are was not him. He would never have resorted to defining success as material things. Yet he had. He cleared his throat and told me I sounded exactly the same as he remembered with still the same tenacity. “Yes, some things are embedded with us for life, “ I replied. He proceeded to tell me I was correct, he did call me to apologize as over the years I had often come to his mind and he felt ‘bad’ about how we broke up. He had learned to never leave a man behind and he said whenever he’d hear it, he’d think of the fact he ‘abandoned’ me after all I had done for him. For all you romantics reading…NO I did not melt and ride away on some horse! (*smile* - I can't say I didn't think it!) Let’s keep it in perspective. I was in an abusive marriage and all parts of my inner most being had been violated. There was no way I would trust anyone completely; not even my first love. I fronted and told him not to worry it was a long time ago and we were both young, and he was a typical boy chasing after some tail and I had long since forgotten about it. (So far from the truth). He sensed my distance, and we small talked about our families and said goodbye.
I hung up the phone and my mind was spinning. I prayed for clarity. Let’s face it. If you have endured abuse, you have learned fairy tales don’t exist; at least not the kind that make life easy. So YES, deep down inside, I was hoping he was calling to profess his devoted love for me and to confess he never should have broken my heart and was ready to come riding up on his white horse to save me. Did that happen? NO! My plans vs. God’s plans – two different plans. J We had some very key heart moments, talks and reality as walls slowly came down and truths were shared. I let Jesus take the wheel and drive. “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, Trust in me." (John 14:1)
A few conversations later, the heart of the matter is that he is in the military and has made it a career. He was going to be deployed that year to Iraq. Needless to say, he had some of his own reconciling to do. I was on his list. Although I had put him in my past, little did I know how much that past impacted my present. We had a history. A history that at the time, neither of us realized was forming the adults we would become; and that had a huge impact on the choices we would make. Yet in order to even understand the value of this reunion, we need to go back a bit further.
When he and I were just teenagers, we both had responsibilities way too young. We both had dysfunctional family matters. At the time, his were more prevalent as most of the dysfunction I had been exposed to in my family life had occurred from birth until ten years old. At the age of ten, my step dad moved my mom and me up and out and away from ‘family dysfunction’ from upstate NY to AZ. However, by the wee age of ten, I had learned to cope with seeing or hearing family members being sexually abused, beaten, using or selling drugs, family cult membership, animal sacrifices and child neglect.
My biological dad sexually assaulted and abused both my sisters. Thank God he died when I was five years old (of heart failure ), or I would’ve been next. That may sound selfish but these are real thoughts I’m sharing. There have been plenty of times in my life I had WISHED I was his victim instead of them because they both have suffered anguish and mental issues as a result. In coping and helping them with these issues, I tended to think if it had happened to me, I have the mental strength to overcome it and they don't. Again, who am I to ‘fix’ it? I am not God. My warrior mentality might have made me a good Marine, but without having God lead, it surely would only get me killed.
I have 4 brothers, one of which I used to consider ‘violent’. He is the oldest and the one who was exposed to most of my biological father’s tactics. He killed a man once and got off on self-defense. I feared him. I do not anymore. I have 2 brothers that became mentally debilitated when their marriages fell apart. One is a missing person and no one has heard from him in over ten years. The other is homeless but refuses to admit he has an issue and needs help. He won’t seek help. This leaves one brother of whom inspired me.
I have one sister whom was afflicted with schizophrenia after being sexually abused by our father, beaten by her boyfriend at eighteen, taken into a cult, forced to use drugs and impregnated while in-patient at a state mental facility. Her child was put up for adoption by the state. Praise the Lord, that sister currently lives and functions independently. She is monitored very closely via social workers and case managers. I tried for many years to ‘help’ and ‘be’ there for her but she has never wanted me to. It is an area that I must continue to pray about. I have another sister of whom I was very close to when I was young and of whom helped raise me.
The brother that inspired me and the sister that helped raise me are still the ones I keep close at heart. They were the two that looked over me the best they could. My brother was my light in darkness during times we were left alone for nights on end to fend for, and take care of ourselves. My sister gave me a sense of self-esteem as she always took me with her to her work and friends' homes, bragging about how smart and pretty I was. My mother was in and out of mental institutions up until my step-dad ‘saved’ her and took her far away from the dysfunction. We had many good neighbors and friends over the years that helped us even if they did not know all the circumstances occurring behind closed doors.
I knew Jesus at the age of seven. Not because of church. I had been to church a few times; different ones with different people. I knew Him because Jesus makes Himself known to children. Believe this! Those that were abused or neglected as children, the only hope is in Him. He is the light. It is a spiritual connection formed via instinct or maybe even a connection made that I don’t remember. I simply knew instinctively at that age, life was better than what I saw. Jesus had a plan for my life and I just knew it. It was not going to be like any of the things I was exposed to. I knew at that age my family life was not ‘normal’. I used to walk around the streets at night looking at houses, wondering what it was like behind ‘those doors’, wishing I could walk in. I made a decision at the ripe young age of eight to never allow any of the detrimental things in life ever to come into my life and destroy me like it had all those around me.
I kept my promise. Yes, I was a ‘goody two shoes’ in high school. I didn’t care what people thought. I was focused. I did not go to parties. I did not drink. To this day, I have never even tried one hit on a joint. Not once. I was in the top 5% of my graduating class. I was presented with a free ride scholarship, was in all academic clubs and President of Future Business Leaders of America. I managed to be a wrestlerette, a ‘cheerleader' for the wrestling team. I did it for the cause not for the outfit or the boys. Although there were a few cute wrestlers I had my eye on (smile). The cause being, why did our wrestlers not have the same support as our football players? That was my then teenage cause. I credit my math teacher who was also the wrestling coach and the girls P.E. teacher for supporting me in my ‘cause’. Woo hoo…it seemed I was on my way. I was going to be GREAT! Brakes! What about my first love?
I was in eighth grade when I met and befriended my first love. At that time, I was reading the Bible on my own and had a faith grounded in me that kept me true to whom I was and where I was going. I saw him from afar and knew there was something special about him. I felt God pointed me in his direction as we didn’t share any classes and yet he stood apart from the rest of the boys. I saw something in his eyes, his boyish huge smile and knew he had that special something in him that I had in me. We shared the will to fight and to survive and the passion and desire to become something great.
We began talking and dating freshman year. He asked me to the Christmas formal, a night still very clear in both our memories. He was boyishly shy but so handsome. I definitely kissed him first. He held my hand, walked and talked with me. We continued 'going together' (aka dating). He did not disclose his private pain for a long while but eventually he trusted me enough to share with me, some of his own dysfunction happening in his home. Things I won’t disclose here out of respect for him, but pains no child should go through. My heart hurt. I had already learned how to cope with dysfunction and to look beyond the present to the future in knowing God had a better plan. I began coaching him, encouraging him, inspiring him.
Our souls were connected. Never did I tell him why I had that inner strength. I would, when the time was right. I saw in him what he did not see in himself. He was full of self-doubt, negative self-talk and low self-worth. As just one example, he didn’t think he was good enough for baseball. I told him he was better than any of those boys that bragged and boasted. I affirmed for him that he could do anything he set his mind to! Most importantly, I told him that I believed in him. I told him he had to try out. I’ll never forget the day he came flying to my house on his bike (we were too young to drive and too poor to have a car). He was ecstatic and jumping up for joy with me to celebrate the fact that he made the cut – he was on the team! He was in such shock and disbelief and I will never ever forget the joy on his face and how quickly his heart ‘believed’. He credited me for it and said he would’ve never had the courage had I not inspired him to do it. I deferred that credit to God, and reminded him with God, all things are possible. “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:26)
That was the day he fell in love with me. I fell in love with him the moment I saw him in 8th grade. I just knew he was the one that God had made for me. Our relationship became very serious and we were head over heels in love. Although my plan was to remain a virgin until the day I married, I was so confident in our love and in our plans to marry one day, I gave myself to him. We were each others' 'firsts'. Not by force, by mutual decision. We shared that first love experience with one another and we were inseparable in our hearts. We were secure in ourselves, our love and trusted one another. We each had our own classes and extracurricular activities apart from one another but always saw each other a few hours every night and for extended periods on weekends. I continued to help him deal with emotional issues he suffered due to witnessing abuse at home. My step-dad had offered to allow him to live with us, but he was also looking out for his younger brother. He was strong, prideful, yet focused and on track to become all he dreamed of. I still had not shared all that I had been through as a child. I’m not sure if I was afraid, ashamed or didn’t want to face it. I think a combination. I was afraid to tell him what I had seen and been through as I knew I was not like any member of my family but I feared he would not know that. So I think at that time, ashamed would be the correct emotion. I planned on sharing it one day. One day never came. ”A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)
Be as it may, high school puts pressures on kids that kids succumb to. I thought he was different. I thought we were different. I was not deterred. I was focused and determined to get a scholarship to become who I wanted to become. I was unwilling to compromise who I was for parties or drugs. I had fun, I had friends, I did things outside of school – but not like most other kids. I totally avoided parties due to what I had seen my family go through. He succumbed to the pressure of being in the ‘in’ crowd. I trusted him and never asked him not to go. Needless to say girls will have their way in interfering with a taken boy. As a typical teenager, he left me for another girl – a piece of bootie. The part that broke my heart was, he never told me. He never broke up with me. Even after all we had shared and planned: marriage, white picket fence, four kids, he’d join the Marines and I’d go to college wherever he was stationed. Yep, that was the plan. The ‘plan’ never happened. He just stopped calling, stopped coming over. I found out from someone else he had started dating another girl and I was devastated. I never missed school and I stayed home for a week straight. I could not face him, nor the people at school. I was…abandoned. I knew I had to gather myself together and as the strong person I was, I did. It is amazing this all happened thirty years ago, and all the details are so vivid in our minds. It is what it is. Stuff happens. Why is this important to the ‘why’? My reaction to this devastating hurt set the pathway for future choices. In addition to the neglect of my past, the one person that I had come to unconditionally love and trust abandoned me. Let’s see the impact…
I put on the armor. I’d like to say the armor of God but no, it was more like the armor of – no one will ever break this down again. These walls are up for life. True – they were. Never again, was I ever as open in a relationship with any other boy or man since. (a-Ha in my reflection –there was my source of pain). After three months of him gallivanting around and chasing girls, he had came back to me and pleaded with me to take him back. By then I had started dating someone as my friends convinced me that was the best way to get over him. When he came back to me, pleading for forgiveness, I said no. I said no out of fear he’d abandon me again and I could not deal with that feeling ever again. It was worse than some of the neglect I had endured as a child. I also said no as I did not want to cause my current boyfriend the same pain that he had caused me. I was at a crossroads when he came back. My heart wanted to scream YES, I still love you (I did), but my head screamed NO (you hurt me). I listened to my head. I married the ‘current’ boyfriend which later ended in divorce. Lesson learned is that discernment is not always as easy as it seems and without prayer and guidance, we don't always take the right route. The safe route is not always the right route. Life includes risks.
How does this apply to recognizing my points of pain that caused future bad choices? Let’s dig deeper. If we have identified the source of pain, we can then ask ourselves how did we cope with that pain? Did that method work? (chances are NO). What can we do different now that we know the source? How did being abandoned make me feel? The fact he chose ‘popular’ over ‘smart’? The fact he chose the cheerleader type over the academic type? I wasn’t ugly. But I felt ugly. I wasn’t fat. But I felt fat. I was good enough. But I did not feel good enough. It wiped away exactly what I had gifted him – my confidence, my self-esteem, my ability to love unconditionally. I blamed all of my flaws and reasons I could think of as to why he left; as a result of him not wanting me because I wasn’t ‘good enough’. Never once did it cross my mind – it was him, not me. Now how can a smart, intelligent, strong girl allow that to happen? She had never been loved unconditionally outside of anyone except her mother who was more like the child. That girl, yes, she believed in the fairy tale whole heartedly. That’s how. The day he abandoned her is the day fairy tales died.
Was it ONLY because of this experience and broken heart that I have ‘settled’? Absolutely not. I would never place blame on any one person. He did not know what he had done until much later in life. Reality is we were kids living like adults. Let’s look at the factors that impact our choices in a scenario similar to mine:
1. Dysfunction in the home
2. Abuse or Neglect as a child
3. Witness of abuse as a child
4. Being Responsible for ‘life’ way too young
5. Being the ‘go to’ person for family solutions when you’re the child and they are the adults
6. Not having a consistent male role model / hero
7. Not feeling safe or protected
When this past boyfriend reached out to me before his deployment, it finally dawned on me without him saying, that he was making amends with those he had hurt in case he died in the war. After many conversations, we each learned how devastating our actions and lack of accountability and communication had on the rest of each of our lives. It was in the moment of him acknowledging and saying out loud to me, “I just want you to know even though it was so many years ago, I am so sorry for what I did to you, how I abandoned you. I want you to know it was NEVER YOU. It was me. I was a stupid boy who did not know what he had until it was too late.” In that moment of his admission to me, even though I had long ago ‘buried’ it, all of what I felt for him came to the surface and released itself.
This moment was my recognition of my inner pain. It was a light bulb ‘a ha’ moment that I finally understood the SOURCE of my pain. This had a HUGE relevance in recognizing the choices I had made in the men in my life were primarily the result of my unreconciled relationship with him. Once I realized this, spoke to him about it and heard the details of the circumtances from his perspective as to what had happened back then, I realized just how much I had blamed myself. He gave me the freedom and understanding that it was not me.
Just as his abandonment deeply burdened and impeded self-doubt and self-image problems on me, little did I know how much the fact that I did not take him back impacted him. I found out he suffered for many years, deep emotional scars from this rejection. His coach and dad had to help him through it. How do you think they did that? “She’s not worth it.” “There are so many other girls out there…” Really? Well, if my son ever hurts a girl, he will understand she IS worth it and it is so worth humbling yourself and stating how you really feel to win her back. I also learned that sometimes in life, people do deserve second chances.
I give God the glory for answering a prayer when I prayed for clarity on the source of my pain. He gave it to me, and he also gave healing to my first boyfriend. We both now have peace of knowing one of the primary sources of pain in our respective lives. That pain and the relationship has been reconciled and forgiven. “He answered their prayers, because they trusted in him.” 1 Chronicles 5:19-21.
So now knowing and understanding the source of pain that contributed to future choices (or lack thereof) in men, allowed me to heal that wound. How do we understand the rest? It’s simple. It comes down to self-worth. Man or woman. If you had any form of neglect or abuse as a child or were ‘given’ to another family member to be raised, you will and maybe still do have self-worth issues. For some, they get resolved, and for others, maybe you are still walking around with them. For when you are a child of neglect or abuse or have witnessed such things in your home, you truly only have yourself and God until someone else comes into your life; that you allow into your heart that has an impact. In my situation, that person for both him and me when we were teenagers were each other. When that got broken, that first experience we each had of trusting and loving unconditionally, went out the door – never to be had again.
As a ‘survivor’ (of life), emotions are quickly detached. Life becomes a series of live and learn lessons and quickly we learn to put all emotion aside and deal with what is rather than how does it feel. This is a survivor’s mentality. It does not mean we do not feel. We learn to bury and internalize all that we feel. The truth is most life survivors will have more compassion and empathy for other people than they do for themselves. That is because we have learned to cope with life by identifying our significance in taking care of others. Our sense of purpose that drives us is to fix it for them, with little focus on ourselves. All we have known is to rise above the noise and carry on. Sounds lonely right? It is. I’m here to tell you, It doesn’t have to be! When surrounded by others who accept you for who you are, serenity enters your heart. When you come to understand the ‘stuff’ doesn’t make you, the ‘heart’ does; material things are ‘nice’ but not most important. Reputation, what other people ‘think’ of you, your career they do not make or break who you are inside. God loves the mold he created. How dare we even think we know more than God. Having those things is not a bad thing; it is a blessing but if those things are what drive you and identify you; truly life becomes simply a series of going through the motions, and never really coming full circle to your authentic self.
My plea to God for help to show me how to get out of an abusive marriage that almost killed me and my son, was answered by allowing me to see what I did not understand. Once I recognized that the devestating 'loss' of my first love impaired my future choices in men, my self-image and my ability to be open again to fully love; I was able to reconcile those hurts. Recognizing them was the first step, healing the second and moving on from them was the final step in gaining the strength and wisdom to not make the same choices again.
Sometimes, His way can bring healing not just to the one needing to be healed, but to the messenger as well. Such is the case here. The truth is, His revelation allowed not only for me to heal, but my first love to heal from our past as well. Unbenknowst to me, he had suffered a great deal from my inability to forgive him upon request. The fact that I did not give him a second chance to prove his love for me, taught him to never take someone he did not want to lose for granted; but it was a lesson that took many years for him to discover. Truly, life comes full circle and God's plan is eminent.
After I made some life altering decisions of getting up and out of my abusive marriage; I began to recognize the work God had done in our lives. I followed up and asked my first love what literally made him search for my number, pick up the phone and call me. He said that although he had thought of me over the years, he also had put it away as life moved forward. Yet during the year prior to his call, he said that I had been heavily on his mind and he felt driven to find me. We speculated on the timing and it had been since the near-death experience for me, that he had felt an internal pull to reach out. Do you believe in angels? His dad and my step-dad had long since passed away, but now and then, God speaks to us. I believe what we refer to as intuition is not always simply intuition. Sometimes we have signs and whispers through Him, through His angels. Ultimately, it is through the grace of our God, I am here today.
I am grateful for my first love's keen insight and the courage it took for him to find me and reach out to me. His life didn't stop, he simply made the time to act upon what and when he felt was important to do so. Until I revealed my full situation to him, he could not pinpoint exactly what was driving him to get in touch with me. Initially, he felt it was self-driven based on his pending deployment, and the fact he wanted to heal past wounds. He stated he never had the opportunity to tell me and wanted me to know the positive impact that I had on his life by believing in him when he didn’t believe in himself. Our discovery of the impact we each had on each other during crucial times in our lives, granted us the ability to say thank-you. Although a primary source of pain came down to his breakup with me, all things happen for a reason. He too had a positive impact on my life. Without knowing the full story, some may not see that.Yet if we focus on the fact that all things happen for a reason, it is easy to see. Had I not had that experience of unconditional love with him, and had just went out into the world as a young eighteen year old girl, how would I have been prepared to deal with and cope with the rest of my life? Would I, could I, should I? I do believe we can love again. I do believe we can love deeply again. I do not believe anything or anyone through space or time ever replaces your one true love. It may not be your first love, but for me and for him, it was. I also truly believe that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I am living proof that having that once in a lifetime kind of love and watching it walk away makes you a better person. As a woman of faith, I believe in miracles. It is a miracle to me that today, I get to share my story with so many others through so many vehicles, and I am blessed to do so.
For many of us, the ‘a-ha’ moments may not seem quite so ‘a-ha’ at the time. However, if we truly allow God to take control and we stop being a puppet of life, moments will be revealed. When we are in abuse, we tend to stick with safe choices, but use our inner strength to focus on a better tomorrow. All the while, our hearts, our eyes, our ears –they all become wide open. If we choose to, we begin to recognize and hear and see what God is telling us. We believe our inner voice that is screaming, I don’t deserve this! We are willing to make changes to become the person we know we truly are and stop living a façade that is only taking us further into misery. Transformatiion begins when we allow and trust God completely. Faith is an amazing tool to have in our heart. God has His arms around you and is carrying you through the crap. His love endures and He wants nothing more than for you to see that and love Him back the same way. Give to Him what you are seeking – which is to be loved and needed – and you will find it back in return.
God showed me my worth so I would know to get out and get help. I am worth more than gold, more than rubies. So are you. If you are in an abusive relationship: emotional, physical or otherwise; seek help and get out. Whether you are a man or a woman, abuse is abuse. It is not to be ashamed of. Breaking the silence on the stigma domestic violence has been known for WILL be relevant to your kids, to your grandkids and to future generations to come. if you know someone in an abusive relationship, never give up on them. You cannot force someone to see what you see or to leave; but you can ask on a regular basis, ‘Are you ok?’. There may be 1000 fake ‘yes’, but one day you may be the arm that he or she grabs onto and says, "NO! I’m not and I don’t know what to do." I pray that if at any point in this excerpt, you could relate, that you remember just how much you are worth. If you or your children are in danger, get out and get help . My experience has shown me once I mustered the courage to break the silence and tell people what was happening in my life, I was surrounded by extended arms wanting to help. Those that turned their back simply were not strong enough to deal with or know what to do. It is not YOU, it's them. Speak and He will listen. It brought me to the Lisa I knew way back then, which empowered me to gain the strength to move out with two kids and an elderly mom in tow. I did it. We moved back to AZ in mid-2009 and although there was further hardship to be incurred, and it was never ‘easy’, it was the best decision I’ve ever made. Praises and glory to Him.
I am grateful for my life. I am thankful for all my experiences, the good, the bad and the ugly. It is an accumulation of these experiences that have allowed me to become the beautiful woman in Christ that I am today and to turn around and share that love with all those I encounter. I am free to be me. I know that God loves me for me and whatever His plan is in regards to the rest of my life, I’m on His train. I trust Him. Know that whatever is holding you back from reaching your inner self, your authenticity, you have the ability to find it and to be it. The key to happiness is having the freedom to be you , to be loved for who you really are; not for what you can do for someone else, not for what you can buy or give to someone else and not for whom you ‘ve become. If you do not face the pains that have brought you to a dark place and assess the ‘source’ of that pain, how can you ever move on? You CAN but discovering those pains, facing those fears and understanding them is imperative to truly move on and not just 'bury' it. Light is darkness’ biggest fear. Let your inner light shine and you will continue to help yourself and others as you move forward in life. YOU belong to God and His 2nd commandment is to Love others LIKE you love YOURSELF. If you don’t love yourself, how can you truly love others? Helping others only matters when you are doing it for the glory of Him, not for yourself. Love yourself! You are an incredible human being that God only made one copy of. Allow that light to shine as I know it can. Never let another person put that light out again! YOU are SOO worth it. I want you to know YOU matter. You matter to God, You matter to your children, and YOU matter to me. “And the second [is] like, [namely] this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:31
I love you mommy. You have taught me to be strong but still love and to wait for good choices. Love, Marisa
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome <3 L <3 Just fantastic. I love you, thank you for sharing this important and intimate insight. You will touch and change many lives with this.
ReplyDeleteMarisa - Thank-you. Most of all remember that Jesus lives in you. He is first no matter what else comes your way in life. I love you too baby. <3
ReplyDeleteSparrow: I love you too! You are welcome & if I help just one...God has done His job. <3
Thank-you for sharing your story. It helps to know someone understands what we go through when we are abused. To stand up and not be ashamed. Thank you so much for giving me courage.
ReplyDeleteWow! The next time I see you, all I want to do is give you a great big hug. Nothing else has to be said. I admire you for the courageous woman that you are today. You are loved.
ReplyDeleteMM
MM: Thank-you! I just now read the comment herein as I was making some technical edits to the post. I so appreciate your open heart & willingess to help -even before you knew the scoop. You are a true friend! Much love & God Bless!
ReplyDeleteYou went through a lot Lisa and I know your pain I have been in a abusive relationship before to and I never saw the Red Flags I just thought I could change him (boy was I wrong)... ONLY GOD CAN I know I have no tolerance for that anymore i watch the Red Flags now and I have u by my side if i ever don't see them Love u Lisa u are a Strong Women. :)
ReplyDeleteTo Anonymous 5/15/12... I'm not sure who you are (no name on the post and that's okay) but I am glad you are no longer in an abusive situation. We go through what we do to allow us to use that experience to help others. I will pray for your ongoing strength and thank you for your encouragement. :0)
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